


losing me is better than losing you

by stupiddogg



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pining, ill die for this rarepair ok, just two big titty boys in love, mature for content in final chapter, not a lot of angst but it’s there, shownu coming through being the kindest man ever, wonho has a lot of feelings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-20
Updated: 2020-10-20
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:20:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26440300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stupiddogg/pseuds/stupiddogg
Summary: Hoseok after being forced to leave his company is at the mercy of his emotions.He isn’t sure how to handle them or himself— so he goes to the one person who would understand.
Relationships: Lee Hoseok | Wonho/Son Hyunwoo | Shownu
Comments: 16
Kudos: 46





	1. i

Hoseok sat in the chair by the large open window, a quilted blanket thrown across his lap. The outside world looked cold today, the skyline of seoul missing the warm glow of lights and buildings, only having a dull muted color scheme that came with the winter. Snow hasn’t fallen yet, but it could happen any day by the way the clouds looked. 

This is what he liked to do, he enjoyed sitting by the window and just watching. he didn’t have to think about anything that had happened before, all he got to do was sit and watch. there was comfort in watching the world slowly go by, not focused on his phone anymore. He simply enjoyed the calm that it brought. He didn’t have to think about work deadlines or dealing with the masses of people who liked him. sure, there was something to being popular, but after so much of it, he felt so hazy, life didn’t feel real anymore. he was beginning to feel more numb each passing day as he continued on his path. there was only so much you could fake to a camera. he had began to shut himself out after he was accused of something he had nothing to do with. his entire reputation and public image was set on fire in an instant. thousands and thousands of people willed with so much animosity barking out lies built on the words of a snake. 

Hoseok hates what it did to him, he hated that he wasn’t able to fully express his feelings— only able to publicly apologize for something he didn’t do. 

———

“this is bullshit!” Hoseok said, his voice hurt as he was called into the meeting, his manager, Hyunwoo and the CEO of Starship all sat around him. They all looked as if they didn’t care. This was just a meeting for them, another business deal. except for Hyunwoo. He just watched Hoseok with an undeniable sadness in his eyes. “I didn’t do anything, I wasn’t even there!” He said, his voice full of hurt. 

“we know, Wonho.” the CEO said, leaning foreword, offering a fake smile. there was no sympathy in his eyes.

that wasn’t even his name. They couldn’t even offer him the respect of using his name, preferring to use his stage name. He shouldn’t be surprised though, after all, to them he was just a body, someone to look pretty on stage and sell merch for. it hurt knowing that that’s how his company thought of him. 

“but all we need is an official apology from you.” his manager stepped in, trying to at least appear sympathetic, his eyebrows scrunching up as he spoke. 

Hoseok just looked down at the table, a hand coming to rub the bridge of his nose, as a headache quickly formed. 

he hated this. 

______

Hyunwoo was the only one to follow Hoseok as he left the studio after filming his apology, his manager to busy getting ready to upload the video. Hoseok has just gotten up and left, he didn’t say a word after the camera stopped. 

“Hoseok, wait!” Hyunwoo called out, following the fleeting man as he left to go outside. when hyunwoo caught up to him, Hoseok was already crouched against the ground, his palms of his hands pressed into his eyes, shoulders shaking from sobs. Hyunwoo moves over slowly before getting on his knees in front of him. 

“hey, don’t rub your eyes like that.” he said in a gentle voice, carefully lowering the other mans hands from his face, using one of his own hands to hold onto hoseok’s. the other came up to wipe under his eyes with his thumb. Hoseok presses into the gesture, his eyes closing and the sides of his mouth quivering. he wanted to speak, but he simply didn’t have the strength to do so. 

he wanted to apologize— to take the fall for tearing apart their group. he wanted so desperately to make things right. but he couldn’t. he knew that hyunwoo wouldn’t accept his apology anyways. Hyunwoo was the first person to come to his defense in the first place. He was the first one to run to his apartment after the rumor hit. Hyunwoo knee he was innocent, he knew that Hoseok wouldn’t so carelessly do something like that. but with working in media— saying that wasn’t something he could do. he could only face the blame head on. 

Hyunwoo just looked at the crying man, moving his hands to gently caress the shell of his ears, lightly rubbing the lines of his ears with his thumb and forefinger before be went and pulled him into a hug. Hoseok couldn’t keep the tears back, an audible sob leaving his mouth as he buried his face into the crook of his shoulder. 

“i’m so so sorry- i-i didn’t mean to do this, this is all my fault.” he choked out, his words slurred between his cries. 

Hyunwoo’s heart shattered, even with Hoseok being innocent he still apologized. 

“you don’t have to be sorry, you didn’t do anything wrong.” Hyunwoo said, letting one of his hands come to rest on the back of his head. 

they say like this for a while, Hoseok just letting out his emotions while Hyunwoo held him. 

______

Hoseok’s hands tighten on the quilt in his lap thinking back. he couldn’t help but remember how painful the video was to make, to sit there and smile and pretend he was okay. He knew he would be forced to leave the company as soon as the video ended. It would have been too much of a PR disaster, he was told. Hearing that hurt. He was nothing more than a person to be replaced. 

Hoseok took in a deep inhale and he stood up setting the quilt over the back of the chair. He couldn’t keep thinking like this, every time he did he would end up in tears— but this time he’d be alone. 

His heart ached in his chest. 

Alone. 

Hoseok hates being alone, he hated that he had to move out of the dorms away from Changkyun, minhyuk, jooheon, kihyun, hyungwon, and hyunwoo. 

he could feel his heart clench thinking about Hyunwoo. he was always so charismatic and kind, he was perfect. Hoseok, his mind momentarily lost, grabbed his phone from the coffee table by the couch and dialed up the leader’s number. he didn’t even think before he pressed the green call button at the bottom of his phone, just watching as the seconds slowly ticked up as the call started. 

a faint “hello? hoseok?” could be heard- through the phone speaker, but it was barely audible. Hoseok couldn’t move, only staring down at his phone. 

Shock rolled over him quickly and he almost frantically hit the end call button, cutting off Hyunwoo before he could say anything. Hoseok felt flustered, light headed almost. He hadn’t spoken to Hyunwoo or anyone else since he left— sitting by himself and attempting to write music. he hadn’t expected himself to just fall apart like this, go back so quickly. 

it had been six months since he had spoken to them, six months since he had officially left the company. They were already preparing for a comeback, hard at practice. without him, that is. There was something about how quickly they had been put back on the schedule that ripped his heart out. he knew it wasn’t anyone’s fault— hyunwoo didn’t ask for another comeback, especially not right now. This was just another way of burying his controversy. he was a black mark on the pristine image of monsta x. that’s all the company saw him as. 

before hoseok could bury himself in his emotions again, his phone be an to ring again, a small bear emoji popping up. His heart ached again. His finger slowly hovered over the button before answering the phone and holding it up to his ear. 

“hoseok? are you alright?” Hyunwoo’s voice was deep and soothing, an air of concern floated through his words as he spoke. Hoseok instantly clapped a hand over his mouth to keep anything from escaping. tears brimmed in his dark soft eyes and emotion crashed into him. 

“hoseok? is everything alright, i can’t hear you.” 

The dam broke and six months of holding his feelings in were being released. 

he choked out a sob as tears began to stream down his cheeks, the hand covering his mouth moving so he could speak. 

“I miss you so fucking much.” he cried out, clearly choking out a sob as he spoke. he couldn’t help himself, even to himself he was surprised in his reaction. it had been so pure and unbridled that he couldn’t hold back the waves of emotions. 

the other line was quiet, and hoseok though about hanging up again and going dark for another half a year out of sheer embarrassment. luckily, Hyunwoo spoke first. 

“hoseok where are you?” his voice was calm— soothing almost. “are you safe right now?” he asked, and it sounded like he had walked outside, a sudden increase of noise like cars and wind was audible through the phone speaker. 

Hoseok sat down on the couch, feeling like he could have collapsed if he didn’t. 

“yeah— i’m at home.” he said, his voice weak, completely overrun by emotions. 

“okay, i’m close, alright? will you stay on the phone with me?” Hyunwoo asked, hoseok nodded, silently. “you’re still at xxxx and xxxxxx right?” hoseok only managed a muffled ‘mhm’ in confirmation. hyunwoo seemed to take note and the man seemed to step into a car by the sound of a car door opening and shutting. 

While hoseok waited on the couch, he mostly stayed silent except for when Hyunwoo would ask if he was okay, only replying with small words. he was more focused on his voice. he missed his voice so much. He missed how often they used to talk so casually. How Hoseok used to go to Hyunwoo to work because Hyunwoo made him feel calm and okay. He had been deprived of it for so long and now all he could do was listen to him speak. Yet his heart still ached. nothing has changed yet, he was still in so much pain. 

______

it wasn’t long before a gentle knock sounded on his door. he got up slowly and padded over to the door, looking out the peephole. Hyunwoo stood in a black hoodie and gray joggers, a plastic bag full of a few things in one of his hands. Unlocking the door he opened it slowly, revealing the man in person for the first time in half a year. his heart twinged. 

“Hoseok—“ Hyunwoo barely managed to get out before Hoseok had pulled him into the apartment, tightly wrapping his arms around the taller man, fists balling in the back his hoodie. 

He still smelt the same— like the woods during a nice long rain. not a heavy rain that pours down quickly, but a gentle rain where the water slowly falls from the sky, where it gently taps onto the trees and it’s leaves. An evergreen forest. that’s what he smelt like. maybe it was just his cologne, but he always thought Hyunwoo had a specific scent. 

“I miss you so much, hyung.” He fries. out, pressing his face back into the crook of his neck. it felt all too similar to when he had been let go. “i-i i miss everyone else. but /you/.” he whispered, trying to put more emphasis on his words. “i can’t think about you without breaking down.” he admitted. His dam had broken, there was no use hiding his emotions, not anymore. 

Hyunwoo stood there quietly, his arms coming up to hold onto the other man, gently rubbing the center of his spine. Hoseok was much bulkier than when he had last seen him, he had clearly been spending a lot of time in the gym to be able to get this big so quickly. 

“Hey, it’s okay. i’m here now, alright? let’s sit down, i brought some snacks.” Hyunwoo offered, stepping more into the apartment so the door could shut and lock behind him. slowly he managed to gesture him closer to the couch before he was able to set him down. Hyunwoo set the bag on the coffee table and began pulling out an assortment of snacks. 

Hoseok allowed himself to be held then guided to the couch, where he sat facing the man. He watched as he pulled out snacks— all of them his favorites. He had remembered. Even the obscure candy that was always hidden in the back was there. Hoseok couldn’t help but feel his heart swell, his eyes going back up to the man. He really had dropped everything and come over. he could have been busy and in the middle of practice, but yet now he was sitting in his dark quiet living room showing hoseok all his favorite snacks he had bought specially for him. It was a lot to take in. 

Hoseok wasn’t sure what clicked in his head— or if he even realized the switch was flipped. something about everything coming together in the moment. while his brain didn’t think to say it— he couldn’t stop his heart from screaming it out. 

When Hyunwoo looked back over at him with a smile, Hoseok just opened his mouth. 

“I think i’m in love with you.” he spoke out, his tone shaky.


	2. ii

Hyunwoo hadn’t expected the call from Hoseok that afternoon. In reality he hadn’t expected to ever be able to speak to the man again. Hyunwoo had spent the past six months coping with that fact— trying to get over the missing space among the rest of the members. A hole that no matter what, would never be filled again. To say that Hyunwoo was devastated over the controversy was an understatement. He was rarely angry— but Hoseok being accused by someone with a shady background had sent him over the edge. Both as a friend and as a leader he was filled with rage over his companies complete lack of empathy towards Hoseok who took damage both from fans and antis alike as well from his own company. His person and reputation had been under siege and Hyunwoo was lined he couldn’t do anything but watch. Hoseok had left with practically no words. He had quietly moved out of the doors, leaving the small shared apartment between Jooheon Hyunwoo and himself just to the two former members. After that it had been radio silence. Maybe that had been why he was so shocked to see the small bunny and muscle emoji pop up on his phone. 

Hyunwoo had just stared at his phone, completely frozen in the back of the small continence store. Hyunwoo visited the small store often, glad that it was close to their dorms so he was able to make runs for snacks and food whenever he needed without too much trouble. It felt like fate— the right place and the right time. 

Hyunwoo just stared at the name, a pant sounding in his chest. He had no idea what to expect from Hoseok on the other line. He had almost let the other go directly to his voicemail before he quickly tapped on the green call button. 

His throat felt dry as he held up his phone to his ear. Before the other man to speak he began talking, his voice soft and calm. 

“Hoseok? Are you alright?” He asked, mostly out of concern, it wasn’t the normal to get a call out of the blue, especially since Hoseok had practically gone MIA since he had left. 

Silence followed the line but general static could be heard from the other line. He knew that Hoseok was there, just not speaking to him. He gave the man a few more seconds before speaking again. His legs at the same time began moving over to a snack isle, grabbing a few of the mans favorite obscure snacks, having to reach all the way to the back of stacks to get the more oddball flavors they didn’t put at the front. Hoseok had very specific tastes in candy and Hyunwoo didn’t even register that he still had his gas station run memorized. He half expected himself to grab Jooheon’s order as well. 

“Hoseok? Is everything alright, I can’t hear you.” He called back. Almost immediately a choked sob could be heard from the other side of the phone and Hyunwoo’s blood ran cold. Hoseok didn’t cry in front of anyone, he wasn’t good at expressing his emotions well, he was good at suppressing most of his tears, but this felt different. There was a dread and urgency to the way he cried. His breath was shaky and soft hiccups could already be heard. At this point Hyunwoo had already decided what he needed to do. He had finished grabbing all of his snacks and foods and took them up to the counter to pay.

“I miss you so fucking much.” The heartbreak in his voice took the breath directly out of Hyunwoo’s lungs. The urgency and pure sadness coming from his voice was similar to a child missing a parent or losing a loved one. It was a soul ravaged by sorrow. After a quick interaction with the cashier, Hyunwoo paid and took the bag in one hand and left the conscience store. The bell at the door chimed softly as he opened and shut the door. 

“Hoseok where are you?” He asked, almost urgently. “Are you safe right now?” He asked making a quick turn to beeline towards his parking garage. A few sniffles and a quiet mhm later he got a reply from the man at the other end of the phone confirming he was safe and at home. He was glad. He hated to assume the worst, but he had no choice but too. It would be negligent not too— losing someone, especially someone as special as Hoseok would not just destroy him as a man but it would permanently change everything for everyone around him. Maybe it was a selfish thought to think that, but Hyunwoo cared too much, he never stopped caring about Hoseok and his well being. And not being able to talk to him, to check on him was terrifying. To get such a call out of no where scared him. But hearing that he was safe was a relief, it had lessened the stress on his shoulders— even if just a little bit. 

It didn’t take Hyunwoo long to power walk to his car, it being parked relatively close to the entrance. He was glad he did, his gut telling himself he had to go to Hoseok even if the man insisted on being alone. It just felt right. After getting confirmation that he drilled lived in the apartment not too far away, he left the parking garage with white knuckles gripping the steering wheel. 

Hyunwoo was quick with getting to the apartment complex, thankfully the building wasn’t far from their dorms to he arrived in a relatively short manner. After double checking what floor Hoseok lived on he jumped into the first elevator that had beeped, bowing his head to two women who had just left the same elevator. The ride up to his floor felt agonizing. Hyunwoo couldn’t stop his nerves from setting themself on fire. He couldn’t even begin to imagine how Hoseok was feeling in that moment, each second floor that ticked by was just another second of anxiety piled on top of him. When the elevator finally came to a stop he nearly jogged down the hall until he was in front of Hoseok’s door. 

Hyunwoo knocked on the door, his heart lurching in his chest as the door opened, revealing an exhausted looking Hoseok. 

“Hoseok—“ he started, his voice soft, but was promptly cut off by the man reaching out and pulling him into the apartment, arms wrapping around to Hyunwoo’s back and balling into the dark fabric of his hoodie. Hoseok’s face buried itself into his neck. Hoseok was practically shaking, his body rigid and full of tremors as he hugged the taller of the two. 

“I miss you so much, hyung.” He stars, speaking words between gentle sobs, as if he’s trying to hold himself back from even more tears. “I-I i miss everyone else. but /you/.” There’s so much emphasis on his words that it’s rings out to him clearly. His and Hoseok’s relationship had always been close, they spent lots of free time and meals together and it had very suddenly come to a stop 6 months prior. “I can’t think about you without breaking down.” Hoseok was still adjusting and he was wrecked with Greif. Hyunwoo had brought his arms up, returning the hug that the other initiated, his hands resting both on his lower back near his spine. He used his fingers to start rubbing circles into his back, trying his best to calm him down. 

“Hey, it’s okay. I’m here now, alright?” Hyunwoo hummed, offering a kind smile and a tilt of his head. “Let’s sit down. I brought some snacks.” With that, he moved one hand to his upper back and guided Hoseok back to the couch, allowing the door to shut behind them. 

Hyunwoo sat them both down on the couch and he started taking out some of the snacks from the bag, placing them out so that hoseok could see what he had brought. He glanced over a smile on his face only to see Hoseok staring at him, his eyebrows knitted together and his dark eyes expressing something he couldn’t quite understand. He hadn’t seen Hoseok look like this before, there was something serious yet... different here. He couldn’t quite put his finger on it. 

“I think I’m in love with you.” 

Seven words was all it took for Hyunwoo’s brain to completely reanalyze everything they had ever done together. Nearly every moment they shared together flashed before his mind. It all made sense. Hoseok had always had an affinity for the leader, the soft voice he always used when they were together, the smile that always seemed to appear when he spoke, the dark look in his eyes that he couldn’t previously point out. It was all starting to make sense. 

———

Hoseok looked over at Hyunwoo, his heart beating rapidly, nervously even. He had never confessed like this before— but this was different, wasn’t it? They weren’t a couple and Hoseok was finally admitting his love. No. They were ex band mates and all the time alone just made Hoseok realize his feelings. He could tell that Hyunwoo was mulling over his words, as if he hadn’t heard him correctly. 

“I’m sorry, you what?” Hyunwoo asked, his tone more curious and confused than accusatory. There was a pause between then, Hoseok going stiff at the question. “Is that why you called?” 

“I... I’m not sure.” He admits, his words slow and thought out. “I didn’t mean to call you in the first place. I was just...” he takes a pause to think, a small huff leaving through his nostrils. “I thought of you and then everything else just came flooding back— I was just overwhelmed. So I called.” He said, trying his best to explain his feelings, his eyes glancing around as if to try and focus on what he was saying and avoiding his eyes.

“Well, I’m glad you called.” Hyunwoo said, clearly relived. “And I’m not too surprised, so you don’t need to worry about it.” He said, his face shifting into another kind smile, his dark eyes forming crescents against his cheeks. “We’ve known each other for a long time and I always noticed how you looked or acted around me. I just didn’t want to bring it up and make you uncomfortable.” He continued, his smile never fading. 

“So you knew?” Hyunwoo nodded his head and leaned forward, bringing his hands up under Hoseok’s eyes, letting his thumbs run under the swollen red skin under his eyes. It was a gentle motion, his fingers light, only ghosting over the area before removing his hands. Hoseok was glad he did, he almost didn’t catch the way he leaned into Hyunwoo’s hands. 

“Do you want to watch a movie, or rest?” Hyunwoo asked as soon as his hands were off of Hoseok’s face, his hands returning to grab one of the drinks from the bag that had been set on the coffee table. Hoseok liked being able to watch movies with his friends— it was something he got to do a lot in his dorms back when he was still living in them. Hyunwoo, Jooheon and himself would stay up late and watch different kinds of movies together, it was a fun thing that he really did miss. He couldn’t say no. 

———

The movie was some French movie that had been dubbed in Korean, some of the voices getting a small chuckle from both of them whenever lines were poorly given or directed. They didn’t chat much, only occasionally reacting to scenes. However, Hoseok hadn’t realized how tired he truly was and quickly lost his fight to sleep. Hoseok had gently fallen towards the older man, his shoulder slouching slowly before he fell, his head falling onto his shoulder. Hyunwoo let his gaze fall to the man now gently breathing on his shoulder, and took it as an opportunity to gently guide him back, using small quiet words as he shifted himself and Hoseok to be laying on the couch, Hoseok laying just on top of him, his head laying on his stomach. 

Hyunwoo wasn’t tired himself, rather his attention diverted from the movie to Hoseok, letting his fingers brush through his soft hair, moving across his ears or to his skin. He didn’t speak, rather just tracing over his features before letting his hands settle into his hair, stroking it as he himself fell asleep. 

Hoseok was usually plagued by nightmares he couldn’t remember, more often his dreams were night terrors than visions of happy faces and people. But tonight it was calm. Hoseok felt at ease, just allowing himself to rest into what felt like the only man he was safe with. Hyunwoo wasn’t much different, he was under a lot of stress, especially now. Being able to just rest and be in the company of someone he liked felt nice. It felt good to be able to run his fingers through his hair and put him at ease. 

Hoseok wasn’t the only one with feelings, that much was true. However, Hyunwoo knew that Hoseok was vulnerable right now and even more especially vulnerable to him. Hyunwoo couldn’t take advantage of that. There wouldn’t be any good nor pure intentions of he did. 

Maybe in the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the love and support that I received on the first chapter! I hope you enjoyed this! I have a lot planned for this and I can’t wait to be able to share more!
> 
> Once again comments bad kudos are very much appreciated and nothing motivates me more ♡


	3. iii

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay! I’ve even a busy little bee. I hope you enjoy this! Feedback and comments is always loved! 
> 
> -stupiddog

The morning came quietly. There was no loud alarm set for 5:30 am or neighbors cooking loudly. There was only a quiet hum from the tv as a random show played on a low volume. 

Hoseok had cracked an eye open, his body waking itself up after his first true full night of rest. His body, usually full of random aches and pains was relaxed, tensions from working out or sleeping weird absent. Rather, a pair of arm hands laid across him. One was placed over his shoulder, fingertips gracing the top of his spine right below his shirt. He didn’t doubt that when he was asleep the hand absently carcasses along the natural seam, following the curves and lines of his back. The other hand was resting against his head, fingers still in his hair, now unmoving. 

Hoseok stayed like this for a moment before closing his eyes again. Facing anything today felt daunting— like a helpless goldfish after being set out to sea. But now, he felt safe. Wrapped in the hands of someone who didn’t mind holding him all night. For that he was thankful— unbelievably so. He was so rarely this vulnerable and yet here he was. 

Lost in thought, he just barley noticed the the hand in his hair beginning to comb back through the strands of his hair, fingers absently rubbing against the back of his head. Hoseok focuses his eyes, moving so his chin was propped up on the bottom of Hyunwoo’s chest. The man still looked tired, just waking up from his rest as well. His face was fuller in the mornings, it usually was after a good sleep. Hoseok couldn’t help the smile that began to spread across his face. 

“You look handsome in the morning.” Hoseok said, his voice softer, still filled with the essence of sleep. 

Hyunwoo let out a quick breath of air from his nose, a tired and lazy laugh as the corners of his mouth turned up. 

“Mmh... so do you. Bright eyes.” Hyunwoo said, his voice sounded still sleepy to him, his words almost slurring together. He could feel the rumble of his voice in his own chest, his heart practically skipping a beat. He had heard and seen sleepy Hyunwoo before, but right now it felt different. Last night made them different. Hyunwoo looked down at Hoseok laying there, his fingers pressed into his sides while his head laid on his chest, the rest of his body occupying the space between his legs. Their position was incredibly intimate, something he hadn’t done in a long long time. This felt different though. This wasn’t just a date with a high school girl, but a friend and a band mate. This was special. “Hoseok—“ Hyunwoo’s hand in his hair moved down the side of his face and jaw before resting just besides his chin, a thumb touching the outer corner of his mouth. “Can I Kiss you?” 

Hoseok felt like his body was set on fire, his nerves lighting up across his body, the hair on the back of his neck standing up. He was caught off guard by his question but was far from being disinterested. Hoseok moved himself up more, nodding his head as a small “yes,” left his mouth. He had pulled himself up from his laying position, soon finding Hyunwoo’s hands on his hips guiding him up so that Hoseok’s legs were on either side of his waist. Hoseok’s ears burned red just being in the position on top of him, but the man’s soft eyes and smile kept the nerves at bay. 

One of Hyunwoo’s hands came back up to Hoseok’s face, his fingers running across the shell of his ear before lightly pulling at his earlobe. A shiver ran down his spine at the touch, his eyes falling shut. Hyunwoo’s other hand remained on his waist, sticking just on the side of his hip on top of his sweat pants. 

Hoseok’s eyes slowly opened, taking in his features like this, how Hyunwoo was laying back against the arm rest, his dark hair messy and pushed back off his forehead, his dark eyes looking right back at him. A smile came over his lips and his head titled to the side. 

“Gorgeous.” Hyunwoo mumbled as he leaned up, closing the space between them. Hoseok could feel his heart rate pick up, the steady rhythm now excited. He swallowed the lump that was beginning to form in his throat, only now noticing he was holding his breath. 

Hyunwoo was slow with his movements, his eyes staying on the man currently straddling over his hips. He wouldn’t just smash themselves together in a rapid explosion of passion. That wasn’t him— wasn’t them. Hoseok deserved the better treatment, the romance of it all. Hyunwoo started at his jaw, placing a soft kiss against the edge of his chin, his free hand supporting his head from the other side. He moved up, placing another just below his eye. Hoseok’s eyes were shut at this point, his breath ever so slightly hitching as the kisses were delicately lain on his skin. Hyunwoo had stopped here, pressing a kiss between his eyebrows, holding the motion longer than the previous two. He could feel Hoseok’s hands twitch and curl into his sides, his lips curling up as he pulled away. Hyunwoo placed his forehead against Hoseok’s, opening his eyes so that he could look at the man. Hoseok wasn’t far behind, his own eyes opening and flicking up to meet the other. 

Hoseok wasn’t sure why, but rather than waiting for Hyunwoo to move, Hoseok closed the gap himself, pressing a kiss to the older man’s mouth, lacing his lips between Hyunwoo’s in a soft motion. Hyunwoo hummed into the kiss, taking Hoseok’s top lip in between his own. 

They stayed like this for a while, going back and forth between moving and returning returning the kiss. Hyunwoo was the one to pull back and take a look at the other man. His face was dusted pink, his ears a soft red that faded into his cheeks. 

“Want me to make you breakfast?” Hyunwoo asked, letting his index finger run along the bottom of his jaw. 

———

Hyunwoo had left for his schedule that day after breakfast. He had a public appearance in a few hours and probably had to make up some things about where he was and what he was doing. Hoseok on the other hand felt even more alone now. His heart curled in his chest and he could still feel the warm hands that pressed against his face and hip, like a permanent mark on his body. 

He took a deep breath, hands coming up to rub his face before he looked over to where the slept, the pillows and blanket that had been draped over the dark suede couch. Without thinking he walked over and laid down, the fabric of the blanket smelling like the man who was no longer with him. He inhaled deeply and closed his eyes. 

He would have to call him again soon. 

———

Hyunwoo would be on the next show— he had gotten himself sucked into a cheap cheesy drama in anticipation for the interview. He wanted to be able to support his friends and band mates— even if he wasn’t apart of them anymore. This was the first time he would be watching an interview with them since him leaving. He could feel his stomach twist and lurch already as the credits rolled on the drama. He hated this. He hated how nervous he was getting in something so trivial. He didn’t even need to watch the interview. It was comeback season so they had to promote. It was the same thing over and over. Yet he sat there, a pillow over his middle with his arms wrapped tightly around it. 

The show itself was nothing special, nothing he hadn’t been on himself. It was simply a comeback interview on one of a thousand different music shows that featured popular artists. They were quick and easy ways to fill up schedules and give small appearances for fans. But Hoseok could feel his hands tighten at the sight of the six of them walking out onto the soundstage, waving and bowing towards the cameras. He wished he was among them, standing beside all of them and doing the same. He absolutely hated this. He went to grab the remote that was sitting upside down on the coffee table, ready to switch to literally anything else that was on. He stopped, fingers just a second away from switching off the tv when Hyunwoo was center camera. It felt as if he was looking directly at him— as if he knew that Hoseok would be watching. Hoseok leaned back down into the couch, the remote remaining in his hand as he felt himself fall back into the show. He more idly listened as the interviewer asked some rather general questions about the comeback. He was thankful he hadn’t been brought up as a topic. Only one interviewer had brought him up in passing on tv. The clips of the members reactions shared over social media had sent him into a terrible depression. His cries and screams late at night could only be muffled with the downpour of a shower of the down feathers of a pillow. He hated thinking about it— how easily his entire career fell out from under him. 

He was shaken out of his trance by the interviewer making a rather awkward laugh and clearing her throat. A tell tale sign she was about to go off script. 

“Shownu— you’re very handsome, I have to ask,” don’t do it, “are you currently seeing anyone?” The interviewer asked, her smile shining bright. Interviewers we’re getting bolder with some of their questions, trying to stick themself more and more into the lives of the idols on their sets. This was the first time he had seen someone so openly hit on someone before, it caught him off guard. Hyunwoo, clearly surprised flushed with embarrassment before letting out a small laugh. By the looks of the others face, behind the cameras there was some kind of scene to not answer the question. He could only imagine the panic on the managers face at the moment. 

“I do, actually.” He smiled softly, glancing at the camera briefly, earning a noise of awe from the interviewer and her co-host. Hoseok could feel his heart tighten in his chest. He couldn’t have been talking about him right? He had to have had someone else— right?

“Too bad! Well, if your special someone is out there this evening, would you like to say something to her?” Her co-host chimed in as if to keep her from saying something unsavory. 

The camera switched to a closeup of Hyunwoo and he felt his breathing slow. He looked longing, his eyes full of an emotion that was difficult to decipher. It wasn’t the usual tv personality that the man had, but a more serious one. There was still an air of gentle kindness to how he looked now, it felt protective, safe even. 

“I miss you,” he started, “and I’m sorry I didn’t get to tell you this before I left,” he paused before continuing in a softer voice, “I love you.” His words rung out louder than anything he had ever heard before. His tone said it all— he was talking about him, talking TO him. The camera had cut away to a wide shot of everyone looking rather surprised, especially his bandmates all confused, Jooheon pointing at Kihyun in a very ‘is it you?’ Manor as the rest of them are just as bewildered. The host was just as surprised, quickly ending their discussion with another question to someone else, taking the focus off of the love confession and focusing it back on the group itself. Commercials were playing soon after but Hoseok’s mind was still lingering on his words. 

Fishing out his phone from a pocket he brought up Hyunwoo’s contact sending him a quick text. 

Come back tonight, please.

Hoseok didn’t think before he sent, trying his best not to worry too much or overthink. Hyunwoo wasn’t someone who would avoid a problem after making one. He just hoped that he would be able to see him soon. Knowing his schedule it would be harder for him to be able to just come over— last night was just lucky. Right place right time. 

A small ding came from his phone, Hoseok opening the text nearly as soon as it was delivered. 

I’ll be busy tonight but I’ll come soon. Promise.

That was good enough for him. 

———

Hoseok was unfortunately counting the days after the confession. Hyunwoo had yet to show up at his door and he was worried that maybe his fear was true. Maybe Hyunwoo would avoid him, hope he would forget what he said. These thoughts had infected his mind after five days, filling him with an immeasurable doubt. Maybe he wasn’t the person he confessed too. That one hurt the most to think about. Their intimate moment shared before, their gentle kisses, it could all be a ploy. He didn’t want to think about it but with each passing day it felt more and more like the reality he faced. Each day was another shred of doubt. 

After two weeks Hoseok had sunken back into the same depression as before, this time he didn’t just loose his band, he lost a chance at love. And it hurt like hell. He had risked everything in the moment of his confession, his complete vulnerability was given up to a man who he hadn’t seen in weeks now. A week after the confession, he stopped asking if Hyunwoo was free. He didn’t want to be rejected another time. He couldn’t bare the thought of getting another ‘sorry, I’m busy’ text from the man. 

Hoseok started spending most of his time on the large window seal cubby that looked over Seoul. He had made it into a makeshift bedroom at this point. Pillows and blankets were piled up to make a mattress on top of the cousin on that was already there. He had a small bedside table pulled up for any water or mugs he used, keeping them close by so he didn’t have to leave his nook. It felt nice to look over the city at night, watching as neon lights flicked on as days came to the end, the sun dipping past the horizon and night life began. Seoul was always a lovely city— even from afar there were always things to see and look at, even from twelve stories above the ground. 

Hoseok had began writing music. He had only done it a few times but ultimately it had never amounted to anything huge before. He had worked on songs before but he always had help. He was completely alone this time. He didn’t have Hyungwon to help with music and get a feel for a cool rhythm he wanted to have in the background, nor did he have Changkyun or Jooheon to help with rapping. He truly was alone— and it was difficult. He found himself so easily frustrated trying to write about love and sex. It all felt so foreign to him now, like he was numb to the sensations, unable to recall feelings or emotions he had during those times. He felt like a blank canvas, his slate whipped clean when he had left. 

There was pages scattered around the shelf and floor, all torn from the notebook that was starting to look worse for wear. He had a few ideas floating around, writing them down and setting them under a coffee mug that hadn’t held coffee for what felt like days. Instead sat a few pens, mostly black ink but also a blue sharpie for any revisions of corrections he made to plans. Even with his original ideas of writing a sexy love song out the window, he could still pull from something he seemed to know well these days. Sadness. The loss of everything around him. He had spent most of his time trying to write out his feelings and sort them into something that could be conveyed as a song. He had been so distracted that he failed to notice his phone ding and shortly after a knock came to his door. 

The sound startled Hoseok, the only sound he seemed to hear other than his phone or his neighbors was the sound of a pen furiously scribbling down his thoughts. 

Hoseok stood up, adjusting his shirt before walking to the door. He didn’t bother with slippers or anything, instead just opening the door, half paying attention. 

“What do you n—” he cut himself off seeing Hyunwoo in the doorway, a hoodie over his head with a baseball cap, but it was definitely him. Hoseok just stood there, eyes wide as he stared, unable to say anything as he stood back to let the man into the apartment. Hyunwoo stepped in taking off his hat and hoodie first. Hoseok noticed his hair, it was shorter and darker now, almost a dark blue color, but he couldn’t quite tell. 

“Hoseok, I’m sorry.” He said, his eyebrows coming together. Hoseok looked up at him, searching his eyes. “The comeback schedule hasn’t given me room to breathe, there’s a lot going on.” He added, holding onto his hat with both of his hands. 

Hoseok gulped and he couldn’t help but feel guilty. Of course he was busy. He had been preparing for the comeback for months, it was ticking down to the final days now, and finding any kind of free time was a blessing. Hoseok knew how that was. Between working out, practice, and appearances he was almost never free for leisure activities. He could have been a little easier on himself during the whole waiting process, but controlling that wouldn’t take a day. 

Hoseok stepped foreword, pulling the man into a hug, his hands wrapping around his shoulders, fingers fisting the back of his hoodie. He couldn’t bring himself to say anything, to admit how much he missed the man, only able to bury his face into his shoulder thankful that he was here now. Hyunwoo had returned the hug, his own arms coming to hold the back of his waist, one of his hands trailing up his spine. 

“I’m here now though, and I don’t have anything going on tomorrow.” Hoseok took that as an invitation to let the man stay over. He smiled against him before pulling back to look up at him. 

“Your more than welcome to stay. Are you hungry? I can make dinner.” He bummed, parting from the man to head into the kitchen. 

“Only if you let me help.”

**Author's Note:**

> AA this is my first mx fic please forgive me for any inconsistencies that might be here!! it’s been a long time since i’ve wrote a fic but i’ve been really needing an outlet for my emotions and this felt like the perfect way to express them. 
> 
> wonho do be my comfort boy ;w;
> 
> please feel free to leave kudos and comments! i love to hear from y’all!!


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